The True and Wonderous Story of How Was Delivered Unto Auntie Dee Dee the Most High and Holy Prayer:

As was recounted to Solipsy, Humble GalleyScribe

And The Flying Spaghetti Monster did come unto Dee Dee waiting at the front of Fred’s Italian Corner, for she was hungry and her wait did seem to be unending, and he filled her with His Heavenly Smells, and unto her He did speak:

“My True Believer and most excellent Administrator, My keeper of the knowledge that All is My Creation, and as much as any creationism is to be taught as science, My Creation is to be taught as science, I ask of you this: Carry to My True Believers these instructions, that when they give thanks for the Holy Feast, they shall remember and pray these words”:

Our One Creator Which Flies and is Spaghetti and a Monster,

I believe Thou art the Creator of Goodness and Nourishment, and of Sustenance. I thank the Pasta, and the Sauce, and the Meatballs, for they provide me all my needs.
I thank Thee for the Many Beverages that Thou provides, for they engender true fellowship, and I will quaff them heartily, be they Beer, or Wine, or Sweet Iced Tea (in the South), or even Milk or Kool-Aid, for it is not good to withhold fluids, and I need to take care of my Body, as Beneficiary of Thine Holy Goodness.
I thank Thee for the giving of healthful Green Salad, the Yummy Garlic Bread, and the Blessed Cheese for the top of my Spaghetti, and also I am most thankful that If I eat All my Dinner, a Dessert of Extreme Chocolateness will surely follow, preferably Dark Chocolate, for it is Good.
I believe that Thou are neither Male, nor Female, but are instead beyond the reaches of the gender confusion of Man and Woman Kind, yea, thou are ageless, timeless and all-encompassing.
I most humbly thank Thee, oh Noodly Appendaged One, for Touching me with the mental capacity to adapt the mythologies of This Universe to aid and comfort me here, until that day I am able to join together with my Pastafarian Brothers and Sisters at the foot of the Beer Volcano, and enumerate my specifications at the Stripper Factory, so that happiness and contentedness and good cheer be present for all, forever and forever, RAmen.

And then the Flying Spaghetti Monster did sigh, for His Child Dee Dee did occasionally take it upon herself to embellish, and He laughed a jiggly laugh, for it was not He who specified the darkness of the chocolate in the dessert, nor that it be chocolate at all. He did tickle Dee Dee with his Appendages, and she did promise to confess to all that Our Lord Glob doth approve all sweet desserts, as long as the True Believer hath wasted not the Holy Meal.

Our Pasta

Our Pasta, who “Arghh” in heaven, Swallowed be thy shame. Thy Midgit come. Thy Sauce be yum, On top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread. And give us our cutlasses, As we swashbuckle, splice the main-brace and cuss. And lead us into temptation, But deliver us some Pizza. For thine are Meatballs, and the beer, and the strippers, for ever and ever. RAmen.

-Kanys

Hail Marinara

Hail Marinara,

Full of Spice,

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is filled with thee.

Tasty art thou amongst sauces,

and blessed is the fruit

of thy jar, tomatoes

(although fools believe they are vegetables).

Holy Marinara,

Chief Amongst Toppings,

Save a plate for us now,

and at about 6 o’clock when dinner is served, if you would be so kind.

RAmen.

-iamnotanoctopus

The Fruitless Bull Prayer

Oh Great One,

In our beloved schools, thine name shall be soon be uttered. And the works of your creations shall be revealed. For thy Kansas School board shall be the thin end of the holy wedge, as we ram home our agenda during these uncertain and troubling times.

For the work of the scientists across the ages is but fruitless bull, when compared with your great hand. An in our hour of need do we thus pray to thee O Great Noodly Master, to set the record straight, and to thy school kiddies we do thus pray:

Forget thee Stephen Hawking for his brief history of time was just all wrong

Forget thee Nils Bohr for he was just dumb all along

Forget thee Charles Darwin, for his Evolution theory was all bunk

Forget thee Albert Einstein for his relativity will be sunk

Forget thee Wolfgang Pauli for your spin was just all spin

Forget thee Robert Oppenheimer, believing you is a sin

Forget thee Robert Hooke, your stuff just isn’t true

Forget thee Marie Curie, you were bored and had nothing to do

Forget thee Louis Pasteur you were just fond of scum

Forget thee Harold Urey you don’t know how it’s done

And in thee great scientific advances do I look for a great cause

For it was our Intelligent Noodly Designer that did all this of course

For it was YOU Great Monster, it was just you all along.

Rational thought and human endeavour are really not that strong.

For we are just hapless pawns, really just quite small. Our religion has all the answers; there’s no need to think at all.

So pack up your science texts kiddies, for true enlightenment has begun. The Flying Spaghetti Monster will show how faith based science is done.

RAmen

-DaveL

The Common Pastology

Taste Sauce, from which all spices flow;

Drink up, ye Pirates here below;

Until the Kansas School Board calls;

Praise Noodles, Sauce, and Meaty Balls.

RAmen.

-Solipsy

Glob Bless Ya

Oh Great Glob

Send forth your wriggly, jiggly, noodly appendages

For your touch does inspire much Globliness

For Cleaniness is closer to Globliness

Oh My Glob

Shall your meat balls pulsate with much glee

For your eye stalks do not look like a snail (much)

And Glob Bless the Righteous

Oh Mighty Glob

Shall all our charitable work be with religious catch

For we shall only help those we can potentially convert

And great returns shall be reaped from our investments

Oh Blessed Glob

Shall we tell others our religion is much better

For they are wrong and we right

And their conversion doth bring much noodly joy

Oh Omnipotent Glob

Gamma globulin is a protein found in human plasma

For I knew that would impress thee…

And make me look like a smarty pants in your eye (stalk)

Oh Righteous Glob

Send forth thy men in white coats

For much religious writing has yea verily sent me mad

And I shall dwell in the House of Loony for many a day

Oh Venerable Glob

Glob, Glob, Glob

Globby, Globby, Globby

Glob, Glob, Glob, Glob

RAmen

-DaveL

Pirate’s Proclamation

O’ Divine One

As has been proclaimed by the Pirates, Ahoy! for a New Age has come.

Let the printed idols fall before the Awesome might of the Noodle! Let there be singing in the streets and countrysides of the great divinity that is The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Let the Saviors of the past degenerate into the myths they are. Let Boyardee be raised up and with a mighty “Arrr” let the Holy Land be found. And once there let a great monument to the Midget, the Mountain, and the Tree be built and consecrated in the name of the image of the Skull and Crossbones.

The Swords are drawn. The flags are waving and the ships are coming to assault the port of Untruth! Pillaging, plundering, and wenching will commence and when that is done, a great cloud of saucey awesomeness will billow in the image of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the highest and most powerful Noodle!

Ramen

-Shoeman

Ode to thy Tree

Oh Great Foliage.

Thy magnificence doth shroud thy Bobby Mountain.

And following creation by the Great One, you do sit awsesomely.

For thy roots hold much soil, preventing erosion and siltation

Oh Magnificent Shrubbery

With thy leafy goodness do your loyal Midgets espouse thee

For all but the Lumberjack shall plunder your booty

And I’m talking timber here, not Beyonce!

Oh Great Forested One

Shall thy xylem and phloem transport your nutrients

And make you grow big, leafy and beefy

For your photosynthesis doth provide much air (of the not hot variety)

Oh Leafy, Green Stalky, Thingy

When ye is hacked mercilessly from the forest

May your timber provide shelter and furniture from thy Midget workings

And shall those touristy timber souvenirs be forever banned

Oh Bushy, Brushy, Timbery One

Through summer and winter do thee doth endure great hardship

For you are most sturdy and durable like Calvin Klein undies

That is until thy chainsaw and front end loader doth smite thee

Oh Wooded, Cellulosy, Groundstick

When old age doth result in much dropping of the limb

Shall you sprout forth much foliage, green, bushy and brushy

For the Pirates shall require your assistance to reduce global warming

And shall thee dwell on the slopes of Bobby Mountain for ever more

RAmen

-DaveL

Ode to Thy Tree Part 2

Oh Green Leafy Hedge

Should thee obstruct my multi-million dollar harbour view

I shall poison and ring bark thee with glee

For a deforested suburb shall yea verily lose it’s real estate value

Oh Scared Mountain Foliage

Thy leaves shall shed from thee

Like hair from a Holy Bald Midget

For thy Midget shall find comfort in thy wig and thy merkan (if he’s that unfortunate)

Oh Blessed Scrub Tendrils

Thine branches are like the Great Ones Noodly Appendages

Spreading forth from the Great Strip Club in the sky

To touch thee like thee has never been touched previously

Oh Rigid Pole with Green Leafy Bits and Root

They garden doth harbour thy great beauty with bird and insect

Until thy man-of-the-house shall hack thee to the bare bone

For trimming shrubs is yea verily a real bummer

Oh Decidous Barky One

Shall the FSM answer thy great mystery of thy Leaf Blower

For they are noisy but do bugger all…

Except blowing leaves from one pile to another

And in the days when we ascend to the great Beer

Volcano in the sky. Shall the Garden of Eden possess

Trees that grow both pasta and stripper

For that would make me a very happy camper indeed!!

And thy abomination The Leaf Blower shall be banned from the House of our Lord. For ever and ever.

RAmen

-DaveL

Author’s Note: A traditional working song sung by the Midgets of Bobby Mountain and translated from the original language of Midget Bork – as spoken in the Holy Book of Midgets.

This song may be sung or prayed in either English, Midget or Piratese as a round. It is rumoured that the Flying Spaghetti Monster decrees bonus Beer and Strippers will be forthcoming to those who can sing the prayer in the Ancient Midget Tongue (please confirm this Olive Garden).

And it is also well rumoured that Qwerty may be one of those on extra rations come the afterlife.